It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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