I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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