Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
