I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
