Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
