I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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