Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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