dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I love you. Go after that dick
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
