Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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