dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
