Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
