I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
