And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
