I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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