Who wears a wallet chain?!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
