Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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