The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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