By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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