I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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