Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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