I think my fart just growled at me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
