So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
