I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
