I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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