chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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