Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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