so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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