The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
