He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
