Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
This is my gift to your gina
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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