Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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