every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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