I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
