youre lurking in front of me
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize