Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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