I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So here I am, sexting at work.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize