does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
