Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
