saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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