he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
