I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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