Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize