you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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