there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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