Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
