they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
