I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
