True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize