I'm going to jail i love you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
