tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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