i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
