I CAN MOONWALK!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
