STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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