I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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