This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
