I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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