so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
