i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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